MOM needs help

[nextlevelmusic]

Hello all.  I don't start topics at all really, however today I need help with this situation.  I know what some people are going to say, if the pastor is happy, don't worry about it.  What I need is the verbal communication to the problem.  Here we go.

New church, I'm the MOM.  I know my role, and duty.  My friend came on as the asst pastor.  My friend then tells me about this guy that he is friends with that is coming back to town, and he can sing.  So I'm cool with that.  So, my friend is all pumped up about the guy coming.  I'm not that pumped because I don't know him, and would like to meet him.  The guy walks in to choir rehearsal, and he gives me a stern hand shake.  So his family is there also.  Mind you we are at my pastors house rehearsing.  We are practicing, and trying to learn the parts, and I hear this guy singing, and I was about to say if you want to sing why don't you just join us, but I didn't say anything.  So while singing, the guy gets up and walks behind me and talks to the pastor (the pastor asked him earlier to go ahead and join also, but the guy declined) and says that he didn't like the way the rehearsal was going, and he didn't want to be a part of something like this.  Now keep in mind, we haven't been singing a month.... still trying to learn each other and so on.  So, I am    The guy is right behind me telling the pastor this.  So... I continue the rehearsal.  Then my friend the asst pastor asks his friend to do a number.  We did the song, it was good, and I am still because of the comments.  So then the guy comes over to give me a bass line by singing it, so I followed it, and he wanted the drummer to play a beat. So he started singing his original, and the asst pastor started singing with him and he shushed him.  I was like, hmmm.  So the song was over then someone said you sound good, this guy makes the comment, well I haven't sang in 30 days, so its not my best. Then he says that he came from a big praise team up north and they were awesome     So then while people are talking amungst themselves, he bends over and whispers to me, this is just something that I want you to hear and get use to what we are going to be doing.  I was like   because the old me would have turned over that keyboard. 

This is where the part comes in where people will say, go with what the pastor says.  The pastor says that I don't have to worry about him, or conform to him.  I told him that I was cool with that.  So it was time for everyone to leave, this dude spoke to everyone but me.  I was like, ok, I'm not trippin nor am I going to let this dude get to me.  So, I told my friend I would talk to him later.  Later came, and I told him that his boy was out of order in what he said especially being the fact that he just came in there, and first impressions are remembered.  He tried to spiritualize it, and I said, I don't think its a spiritualized moment, I just wanted to let you know what your boy told me.  He then told me, he didn't think he didn't mean it like that, and I was like oh yeah...

Sunday came, we sang, did our thing, and the invitation came.  The new guy sang a song, did good because he can sing.   After service, this dude walked right pass me again, didn't even say thanks for playing the song or nothing.  So, I just said, you know what God, you got this. It's not even worth it.

Next couple of days, the asst sends me an email saying that he and the new guy want to meet with me about the music ministry.  Now this is where I need the what to say to them.  I want to tell my friend that he needs to stay in his lane because I see a collision up ahead.   The other guy is in his ear...  I need help ASAP.  I have prayed about this also, that God works it out.  I know this is not my main ministry, and to preach the word is.

[under13]

I would speak to the Sr. Pastor, and have him at the meeting if possible. Let him know whats been going on and how you feel about it, then have him talk to the asst pastor.

[nextlevelmusic]

Thanks under13.  I think thats a good idea.  I told the Sr. Pastor that I had the feeling of a take over spirit, and he said that he did also.  I've come to realize, being a member of a church is like everything else.  It has to be a good fit for you.  You have to be comfortable where you worship.

[betnich]

I know how you feel...being pushed aside.

Sounds like this guy is auditioning for the MOM position at your church. Is he willing to cooperate, or just wants to do things his way?
If your main ministry is preaching rather than leading worship maybe you could step aside and work on that.
Something to talk over with these Pastors BEFORE you meet him again...

[nextlevelmusic]

Well my job is the M.O.M.  I talked to the asst pastor about the "meeting with the two of them" and he told me that the guy wanted to meet with me, and listen to some of his ideas.  How can you have ideas on day one, and you didn't even attend a full church service.  He showed up during the message......  I don't understand why he has to go through a third party about the ministry that I am over also.  I am a really easy going guy, even after what I felt was disrespectful by the new guy.  I didn't even respond, now before I got saved........ Thank God for Salvation.  We all have been there, we haven't been save 100% of our lives 

Come on people, please respond with your thoughts.  I see people are reading, and I need responses. Thanks.

[sjonathan02]

U13 said all that needs to be said. Have the meeting with the Sr. Pastor. No Sr. Pastor, NO. MEETING. Period.


And, I might share how I felt about the situation, if I were you. Both cats are wrong, waaay wrong, in how they approached and dealt with the situation.

At the same time, you may be able to gain some valuable insight, from the cat that can sing. Even in strife, there's learning.


Be Blessed.

[easternnc]

Recently, I had to deal with a similar situation. I totally agree with the suggestion that you meet only in the presence of the senior pastor. If directed by the pastor, I would take down his ideas and weigh the pros and cons of each. As MOM you should have the latitude to decide which are worthwhile. If you do this you can say that you have listened to and have considered his ideas. Also keep in mind that the personality is not the person who you have to wrestle with but it is the controlling spirit. The only way to beat an unholy spirit is through the holy spirit.

Be Blessed

[nextlevelmusic]

Ok, thanks.  I did take the advice to call my pastor to include him on the meeting.  His response: Meeting?? What meeting?? Who is going to be at it, and what's it about??

[kodacolor]

Please post how you dealt with situations like this.  When I first started being Music Admin one of the ministry leaders had a 'take over' spirit that she wasn't really aware of (to this day I'm not sure if she was/is or if she's fooling me but whatever).  We've banged heads a bit but it's gotten better. 

When I first started I was hoping that God wouldn't send me anybody like the dude you're dealing with because the ministry was brand new when I started.  If a dude like that came in he could have EASILY taken over.  The thing that creeps me out about this dudes like him is that if the church is "desperate" for his talent they'll bend over for him.  *no pun intended*

BUT that's only if you factor out God!  God has been in the business of handling battles for His people for a LONG time and he's (excuse the cliche) a lawyer who has NEVER lost a case!  As for what to say...I'm sorry I can't help you.  I believe I'm too immature to deal with situations like this right now.  But can you post what happened so I...I mean... we all can learn from it?   

[nextlevelmusic]

As soon as I find out I will.  I'm like you, this is a new ministry, and conflict already.  Some people, you meet their talent before you even meet them.  "I haven't sang in 30 days"  Are you seriously counting the days that you haven't sang???  I will let you know as soon as the meeting happens.  Also, there is still time for sound advice of how to choose the words.   Thanks to kodacolor for admitting that he can't help with the words.  Bruh, I feel you.

[kodacolor]

As soon as I find out I will.  I'm like you, this is a new ministry, and conflict already.  Some people, you meet their talent before you even meet them.  "I haven't sang in 30 days"  Are you seriously counting the days that you haven't sang???  I will let you know as soon as the meeting happens.  Also, there is still time for sound advice of how to choose the words.   Thanks to kodacolor for admitting that he can't help with the words.  Bruh, I feel you.

Bold:  That just made me giggle

Red:  LOL!  I'm female.   

[nextlevelmusic]

   Please please accept my apology.  I know about the 30 days, I thought that was the strangest comment.  I can see if I was like, I haven't played in a couple of years, but to say I haven't sang in 30 days.......

So, talked with pastor, the guy wants to be the choir director......  I was like why didn't this dude just come to me.  Again first impressions are lasting impressions.  We can all forgive, however the forgetting part is the stinger. 

I still have not talked to this guy yet.  It seems as if he has talked to everyone but the person who he needs to talk to, and that is the M.O.M. in which that is what the pastor told him.  Everything comes through the M.O.M., he has the last say.  Talking about an ego.....  I will get use to what we will be doing, he writes songs, and wants to play some of his originals. Thats kool and all, but this ain't Donald Lawrence, Fred Hammond, Kirk.  Oh well, someone above just said take things under consideration.  I will do it, and pray about it.

[kodacolor]

I accept your apology. 

I pray that things go well with this guy.  As much as I want to let you know what I'm thinking about this dude and this situation I'm not going to.  I don't want it to be in the back of your mind when you pray to God about your situation.  Instead I'll pray for you and your situation.

[betnich]

So, will he be your Choir Director? Is that your (MOM's) decision, or the Pastor's, to make? If so, can you work with him? I understand his drive to do his own songs and arrangements, but you might want to write out a list of his duties and responsibilities, and make sure that he respects your input and includes you in all discussions....

I would also find out why he left his last church - did he move, or was there drama there, too?

[sjonathan02]

  Please please accept my apology.  I know about the 30 days, I thought that was the strangest comment.  I can see if I was like, I haven't played in a couple of years, but to say I haven't sang in 30 days.......

So, talked with pastor, the guy wants to be the choir director......  I was like why didn't this dude just come to me.  Again first impressions are lasting impressions.  We can all forgive, however the forgetting part is the stinger. 

I still have not talked to this guy yet.  It seems as if he has talked to everyone but the person who he needs to talk to, and that is the M.O.M. in which that is what the pastor told him.  Everything comes through the M.O.M., he has the last say.  Talking about an ego.....  I will get use to what we will be doing, he writes songs, and wants to play some of his originals. Thats kool and all, but this ain't Donald Lawrence, Fred Hammond, Kirk.  Oh well, someone above just said take things under consideration.  I will do it, and pray about it.

Again, me being me and having dealt, a little bit, with these types of personalities. I wouldn't allow this guy to just be choir director from the word, "go". He'd have to show some humility; ability to take direction (before trying to give it); is he attending Bible study (if that's a requirement at your church); etc.

Just because he's got a talent doesn't mean he has the gift. I'll let that marinate fo' a minute.

[kodacolor]

Again, me being me and having dealt, a little bit, with these types of personalities. I wouldn't allow this guy to just be choir director from the word, "go". He'd have to show some humility; ability to take direction (before trying to give it); is he attending Bible study (if that's a requirement at your church); etc.

Just because he's got a talent doesn't mean he has the gift. I'll let that marinate fo' a minute.

Well since you went and said that I might as well say what I was going to say cause it somewhat piggybacks on that.

1 Timothy 3:1-10

1.  Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer,  he desires a noble task.
 2.  Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,
 3.  not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.
 4.  He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.
 5.  (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)
 6.  He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil.
 7.  He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap.
 8.  Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain.
 9.  They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience.
 10.  They must first be tested; and then if there is nothing against them, let them serve as deacons.

[sjonathan02]

Well since you went and said that I might as well say what I was going to say cause it somewhat piggybacks on that.

1 Timothy 3:1-10

1.  Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer,  he desires a noble task.
 2.  Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,
 3.  not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.
 4.  He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.
 5.  (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)
 6.  He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil.
 7.  He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap.
 8.  Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain.
 9.  They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience.
 10.  They must first be tested; and then if there is nothing against them, let them serve as deacons.

No, it doesn't. Dude wants to be a choir director NOT a pastor. Two COMPLETELY different things. At the same time, it DOESN'T mean that dude should come raggedy.

[kodacolor]

No, it doesn't. Dude wants to be a choir director NOT a pastor. Two COMPLETELY different things. At the same time, it DOESN'T mean that dude should come raggedy.

Why would this apply to pastors only and not minstry leaders in general?

[sjonathan02]

Why would this apply to pastors only and not minstry leaders in general?

Because each has a different responsibility depending on the office. A pastor has MUCH more responsibility than a P&W leader or a choir director.

Folks continue to try to say that's not the case.

[kodacolor]

Because each has a different responsibility depending on the office. A pastor has MUCH more responsibility than a P&W leader or a choir director.

Folks continue to try to say that's not the case.

I understand that the pastor has WAY more responsibility than the P&W leader or choir director.  The passage seems to talk more about qualities of a leader than responsiblities.