How do I handle this situation

[LadyG]

Hello LGM Fam,
              I have been MOM for about a year and a half and I've never had to deal with anything like this. I have a choir member who just found out she is pregnant. I am not happy... I really do not know how to approach her about this. She has not even told me she is pregnant, her mother is the one who told me. I met with her mother, who is a minister in the church, and my Pastor and they told me that I (as MOM) would have to handle this and whatever I decided to do they would back me up. Now... my question is how do I go about doing this????? Please Help!!!

[sjonathan02]

Uh, your pastor needs to give you more counsel than, 'Whatever you decide, I'll back you.' With the assumption that she's unmarried, what is your church's thought concerning this situation?


If this is a first for your church, then the decision really should come from the pastor and those in leadership and not just you. 

[vtguy84]

Uh, your pastor needs to give you more council than, 'Whatever you decide, I'll back you.' With the assumption that she's unmarried, what is your church's thought concerning this situation?


If this is a first for your church, then the decision really should come from the pastor and those in leadership and not just you. 

First off....you can't say anything about 'Incogengro'

I do agree that the pastor should back your decision, however he should help guide the way.  And if this is your first time, whatever is decided needs to be the formal way of handling things. 

[sjonathan02]

First off....you can't say anything about 'Incogengro'

I do agree that the pastor should back your decision, however he should help guide the way.  And if this is your first time, whatever is decided needs to be the formal way of handling things. 

Dang it!! 

And, for the rest of it agreed.

[JoanHall]

Wow!  It's unbelievable to me, as well, that the pastor would leave it to the MoM to deal with this situation.  If I were in your shoes, the first thing I would want to do is talk with the young woman herself (probably with her mother present).  Where is she spiritually?  Has she repented and turned away from what she was doing, or is she continuing in an unholy relationship?  This would be an important factor in deciding whether she is ready to continue in ministry.

As the pregnancy grows more visible, she would also want to think about the message it might send to others.  Even if she has turned her back on her previous behavior, would visitors who saw an unwed pregnant woman singing in the choir think, "That kind of thing must be OK at this church."?  Scripture tells us to consider whether our actions may cause others to stumble.  I think it would be appropriate for her to demonstrate her concern for the ministry by sitting out while she was visibly pregnant.

But again, I would really be wishing that my pastor was the one making the decisions here.  My prayers are with you.

[LadyG]

Uh, your pastor needs to give you more counsel than, 'Whatever you decide, I'll back you.' With the assumption that she's unmarried, what is your church's thought concerning this situation?


If this is a first for your church, then the decision really should come from the pastor and those in leadership and not just you. 

In this denomination (Church of God) I dont know how they handle these situations but I grew up in the Baptist church and you had to sing from the congregation especially being unwed.

[LadyG]

Wow!  It's unbelievable to me, as well, that the pastor would leave it to the MoM to deal with this situation.  If I were in your shoes, the first thing I would want to do is talk with the young woman herself (probably with her mother present).  Where is she spiritually?  Has she repented and turned away from what she was doing, or is she continuing in an unholy relationship?  This would be an important factor in deciding whether she is ready to continue in ministry.

As the pregnancy grows more visible, she would also want to think about the message it might send to others.  Even if she has turned her back on her previous behavior, would visitors who saw an unwed pregnant woman singing in the choir think, "That kind of thing must be OK at this church."?  Scripture tells us to consider whether our actions may cause others to stumble.  I think it would be appropriate for her to demonstrate her concern for the ministry by sitting out while she was visibly pregnant.

But again, I would really be wishing that my pastor was the one making the decisions here.  My prayers are with you.

Pastors reasoning for letting me handle this situation is supposedly cause the girl and I use to run the streets together so "it should be easier to communicate with her" whatever thats suppose to mean. I know she is  spiritually unstable and she loves partying so therefore I guess she is not ready to continue in ministry. I am angry cause she plans on hiding the pregnancy from me.

[sjonathan02]

Pastors reasoning for letting me handle this situation is supposedly cause the girl and I use to run the streets together so "it should be easier to communicate with her" whatever thats suppose to mean. I know she is  spiritually unstable and she loves partying so therefore I guess she is not ready to continue in ministry. I am angry cause she plans on hiding the pregnancy from me.

Your pastor needs to handle this situation, himself. Your friendship with her does not give him an out.


As for your anger, obviously she didn't do a very good job at 'hiding' the pregnancy from you.     So, don't stress about that......too much.

[LadyG]

GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND THANKS FOR THE HELP I WILL PUT ALL THIS INFO TO GOOD USE!!

[LaylaMonroe]

I'm gonna have to go out on a limb and slightly disagree.    I'm approaching this from an Administrator's angle, though, not a MOM's perspective.

I'm not saying that the pastor SHOULDN'T make the call or offer his input, but I will say that without all the facts, it's hard to offer any feedback on this thread, IMO.

At my Atlanta church, one of the ushers (daughter of an Evangelist and ministry leader) recommitted her life to Christ after being backslidden for a few years and 3 months later, found out she was pregnant. By then, she was already heavily involved in ministry.  She was a part of the Nursing Home Outreach, Street Evangelism, an alternate on the P&W Team, Usher Board, and the Ministry Leader for Junior Ushers.  Now that was a very unique situation, since she got pregnant BEFORE she got saved.  But the issue is the same (should unmarried pregnant women be permitted to minister?)

I asked the pastor how he was going to handle it, and he said that he would leave it up to the individual ministry leaders to decide.

Personally, I agree with that BECAUSE he selected those leaders (with God's direction, I'd hope) and they were all trained.  Ideally, church leadership should reflect the pastor's heart, ideas, beliefs, and value system.  If you, LadyG, really reflect your pastor's leadership values, then he should be able to trust you to make decisions he would make in situations like these.  IMO, it's a blessing to have a pastor that supports your decisions, provided they don't go against his core value system.


My name is LaRue1212 and I approved this message.
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[momuzik]

Well, I was in this situation before (I'm a dude). I was dating a girl at church - We were both involved in ministries. I had just joined the choir (hadn't even got a robe at this point). I had just rededicated my life back to Christ about a year prior.
We tried to do what was right but we both had our own places (no chaperones) - it was tough.
When she got pregnant, the pastor asked me to step down from the choir because he didn't want the younger folks to see me singing and think it was okay to dabble in sin and keep on ministering.

The bottom line is that the pastor has a responsibility in the spiritual welfare of the sheep and he's/she's going to be held accountable for the decisions he/she makes concerning God's people.

This pastor shouldn't dump his responsibility on the MOM. He needs to make the call and it will set the precedence for the whole church.

[sjonathan02]

Well, I was in this situation before (I'm a dude). I was dating a girl at church - We were both involved in ministries. I had just joined the choir (hadn't even got a robe at this point). I had just rededicated my life back to Christ about a year prior.
We tried to do what was right but we both had our own places (no chaperones) - it was tough.
When she got pregnant, the pastor asked me to step down from the choir because he didn't want the younger folks to see me singing and think it was okay to dabble in sin and keep on ministering.

The bottom line is that the pastor has a responsibility in the spiritual welfare of the sheep and he's/she's going to be held accountable for the decisions he/she makes concerning God's people.

This pastor shouldn't dump his responsibility on the MOM. He needs to make the call and it will set the precedence for the whole church.

Agreed, especially if it's a first time situation.

[LadyG]

When you say things like that and seeing an example of a situation similar to mine I guess it makes more since why Pastor put me over making this decision. God Bless!

[c$harp]

This is just me............He who is without sin cast the first stone.

I think the true question is has the root of the situation been dealt with?  We all, i'm sorry let me speak for me.  I have made poor decisions in my daily walk with Christ as well and had to repent which we know means not only to ask for forgiveness but turn away from the action of sin.  Has she repented, and gotten things right with God, and turning away from the action which has caused this result (pregnancy).  If so and time will tell trust me then yes she should be allowed to continue to sing.

Let's be real.....if we could air what everyone has done, we wouldn't have a church, lol.  We just happen to be able to physically see the result of hers.  The key is to deal with the root and not so much the fruit.  The fruit is only the (key word) RESULT of the ROOT.  I don't mean to preach but I have too.........follow me.

John 8 talks about the woman caught in the act of adultry.

1.  Technology wasn't that great back then, there were no hidden cameras or anything like that.  So in order to get caught doing something someone had to be there(let it marinate)

2.  We all know the famous words "He who is without sin cast the first stone"  and we know everyone there dropped their stones.  One thing we miss is there was One without sin there, and that was Jesus himself, but he did not cast a stone nore did he accuse or condemn her (verse 10-11).

3.  Jesus would have been right to cast stones and condemn her, but He chose the righteous thing, He fulfilled the scripture which we all know by heart John 3:16-17 "He came not into the world to codemn but that the world through Him the world might be saved."

4.  When we as leaders would be 100% correct, right, or however you chose to word it, is it righteous?  Everything that is right is not righteous, but everything that is righteous is right.  I am saying sin is okay, give them a pat on the hand and excuse it.  By no means not at all.  I am I telling you to throw the book at this member with no mercy........nope wrong again.  What I will tell you is to seek first His kingdom and His righteusness (God's way of doing things) Matt. 6:33

God Bless

Minister Courtney

[momuzik]

He who is without sin cast the first stone...Let's be real.....if we could air what everyone has done, we wouldn't have a church, lol.  We just happen to be able to physically see the result of hers.

This was how I first felt with my situation (mentioned above). But when you look at the apostle Paul's take on sin in church - especially in leadership - it should be dealt with. Even thought she's in the choir, she does take on a certain level of leadership in relation to the congregation.

Lady G, so what did you end up doing?

[docjohn]

Why not schedule a meeting with you,pastor,this gal and DISCUSS what's going on? See her heart?Hear where she is at? THEN make a church decision;way it's sounding

you are being SET -UP!!!!no way you will come out as anything other than the "bad guy".Pray,pray,pray

[LadyG]

This was how I first felt with my situation (mentioned above). But when you look at the apostle Paul's take on sin in church - especially in leadership - it should be dealt with. Even thought she's in the choir, she does take on a certain level of leadership in relation to the congregation.

Lady G, so what did you end up doing?

I actually ended up meeting with the young lady her mother and my Pastor. It got ugly, there was alot of tension and tears. I had to start off letting the young lady know that while we were at the church our relationship would be more on a professional level than if we were at her house, or in the store, etc... because I felt like she was not taking me seriously in my ministry position. I also informed her that she is setting a bad example, not only for the young ladies in the church, but also her younger sister. (I felt like I was being to harsh but I wasn't trying to be). By the end of the meeting she decided to quit the choir. When she did that it left me in an even worse situation cause people started questioning me wondering why "all of a sudden" she wasnt up there on Sunday morning singing, if its not one thing its another. I chose not to acknowledge any of their questions because I didn't feel like I had to, I may be wrong. Well, a couple days after this meeting she called me and wanted to talk. After about 2 hours of prayer and conversation she came to a conclusion that she wanted to be fully committed to God or as she said be "saved foreal" She also decided that after the child was born she would rejoin the music ministry. I feel like I handled the situation correctly but now I'm anxious to see if she will follow through, but I guess thats between her and God

[sjonathan02]

I actually ended up meeting with the young lady her mother and my Pastor. It got ugly, there was alot of tension and tears. I had to start off letting the young lady know that while we were at the church our relationship would be more on a professional level than if we were at her house, or in the store, etc... because I felt like she was not taking me seriously in my ministry position. I also informed her that she is setting a bad example, not only for the young ladies in the church, but also her younger sister. (I felt like I was being to harsh but I wasn't trying to be). By the end of the meeting she decided to quit the choir. When she did that it left me in an even worse situation cause people started questioning me wondering why "all of a sudden" she wasnt up there on Sunday morning singing, if its not one thing its another. I chose not to acknowledge any of their questions because I didn't feel like I had to, I may be wrong. Well, a couple days after this meeting she called me and wanted to talk. After about 2 hours of prayer and conversation she came to a conclusion that she wanted to be fully committed to God or as she said be "saved foreal" She also decided that after the child was born she would rejoin the music ministry. I feel like I handled the situation correctly but now I'm anxious to see if she will follow through, but I guess thats between her and God

Sounds like the situation turned out well.

[JoanHall]

Really happy to hear how this turned out.

[LaylaMonroe]

Glad it worked out well for you, Lady G.

Just out of curiosity, what was her mother's position in all this?