MAN LAW
1 - RESTROOM ETIQUETTE
A. NEVER, EVER, USE A URINAL OR TOILET NEXT TO ANOTHER MAN! ALWAYS LEAVE AN EMPTY ONE IN BETWEEN YOU! IF THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE, IT IS ONLY PERMISSIBLE TO USE THE URINAL NEXT TO ANOTHER GUY IF YOU FALL INTO ONE OF THESE CATEGORIES...
1. MAKE MORE MONEY
2. TALLER
3. BIGGER (FATTER) Being a jelly bowl does count for something
4. HAVE MORE MANSPERIENCE POINTS, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'VE RECENTLY PUNKED SAID MAN
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU EVER TURN YOUR HEAD TOWARD A MAN USING A NEIGHBORING STALL IF CONVERSATION MUST BE ESTABLISHED, YOU MUST KEEP YOUR HEAD AND EYES FORWARD, STANDING AS CLOSE TO THE URINAL AS POSSIBLE. NOTE: CONVERSATION IS NOT POSSIBLE, IF SAID MAN IS ZIPPING OR UNZIPPING!
B. NEVER SING IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM! THIS WILL IMMEDIATELY CAUSE ALL MEN IN THE VICINITY TO SOUND THE "WHAT THE" ALARM. HUMMING WILL ALSO CAUSE THIS, ESPECIALLY WHILE SMILING!
C. ALWAYS CARRY SOMETHING TO READ WHEN RESTROOM VISITS WILL TAKE LONGER THAN 30 SECONDS. CONVERSATION SHOULD BE AVOIDED. SEE 1.A.
2 - DRIVING
A. YOU ARE NEVER LOST! YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AND WHERE YOU'RE GOING, SO WHAT HAPPENS IN BETWEEN DOESN'T MATTER! IF, HOWEVER, YOU DO NOT KNOW WHERE YOU ARE THEN ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS IS PERMITTED....ONLY IF A WOMAN ISN'T PRESENT! YOU CAN ONLY ASK ANOTHER MAN FOR DIRECTIONS AS WOMEN DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE.
B. PASS WHENEVER POSSIBLE, ESPECIALLY IF SAID DRIVER IS FEMALE.
C. WHEN AT A STOPLIGHT ALWAYS REV YOUR ENGINE, IF YOUR CAR IS EITHER FASTER OR MORE EXPENSIVE.
D. ROLL YOUR WINDOW DOWN WHEN PASSING PEDESTRIANS ON THE STREET. IF SAID PEDESTRIAN IS A FEMALE, EYE CONTACT AND CONVERSATION IS POSSIBLE.
3 - WORKPLACE ETIQUETTE
A. ALWAYS TRY TO ESTABLISH DOMINANCE. EXTRA POINTS ARE GIVEN IF YOU CAN PUNK YOUR BOSS AND GET AWAY WITH IT
4 - PARTYING
A. NEVER ATTEND A PARTY UNLESS 2/3 OF THE ATTENDEES ARE FEMALE. IF THIS DISCOVERY IS MADE AFTER THE FACT, SUBTRACT 5 POINTS FROM YOUR MAN CARD AND LEAVE. FAILURE TO DO SO WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE REVOCATION OF YOUR CARD. EXCEPTIONS: RELIGIOUS AND SPORTING ACTIVITIES MUST HAVE AT LEAST ONE TOKEN FEMALE.
B. NEVER CALL YOUR PARTY A "GET-TOGETHER"! IMMEDIATELY RETURN YOUR CARD IF THIS HAPPENS!
5 - MARRIAGE
A. THIS IS ALWAYS THE ULTIMATE GOAL, BUT TAKE NOTE OF THE FOLLOWING TO MAINTAIN YOUR PEACE OF MIND
1. WOMEN = "ME NOW" SO FORGET ANYTHING THAT YOU WANT TO DO. IT NO LONGER COUNTS. IF AT ANY TIME YOU DO SOMETHING ON YOUR OWN, YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY ASK FOR FORGIVENESS AND SEND FLOWERS. SEE 5.A2.
2. WIFE = "IF WE" SO EXPECT ARGUMENTS. IN SUCH CASE, YOU'RE ALWAYS WRONG. IF YOU EVER TAKE RIGHT, YOU MUST SLEEP ON THE COACH.
3. CHILDREN = "LEND RICH" SO EXPECT TO SPEND A LOT OF MONEY.
4. MOTHER IN LAW = "WOMAN HITLER" SO AVOID CONTACT AT ALL COSTS
5. FATHER IN LAW = "WE HALF RAN IT" SO DON'T ASK HIM FOR ADVICE! HE DOESN'T KNOW!
